Where Am I?

Here I am, just turned 25, and I have all these failed plans and dreams and ideas that just don't seem to be able to connect to reality. My biggest accomplishment in the last couple of years has been graduating from NYU. I've always been a phenomenal actress, song writer, creative individual, but my potential doesnt seem to be at the present moment making it past "potential".

I've been so blessed and yet so blind, that I haven't been able to capitalize on my blessings and resources. I feel like a chef, having the the best of ingredients, best of tools, and kitchen amenities but I cant seem to make up my mind on what to make or I dont have any recipes to use. Either way, my problems are becoming clearer, but no solutions in sight, or there are solutions but I cant seem to effectively implement them.

Realizing that my family and my boyfriend are the people who care the most about me, I am extremely blessed. I had money that I invested in myself, but the return has not yielded. Now I feel without. Really even when I had money I was stressed and not happy, and worried about losing it.

At the end of the day, I want to be happy. I want to be successful at whatever it is I do. I worry about the future but dont live for the now. or I live only for the now and the future seems unstable. I need balance in my life.

Spirituality, it all talks of positivity, and visualizations and affirmations, and I dont know what I'm doing i feel as though im trying but i just seem to be scratching the surface.

Change.

Change .

Change.

I need it more so now than ever. I have no idea what will be. but I cant afford to live this life Im living, and I am increasingly worsening, withdrawing deeper and deeper inside myself. Becoming so up tight , and "responsible" I cant seem to enjoy myself.

Part of it is people but most of it is my self.

I need to change the parts that dont work, which essentially aren't me and should drop away.

For the longest time I've conditioned myself to be a people pleaser and approval seeker, so desperately wanting to be liked. But as I look around my life, liked as I might be to what cost.

The cost of my happiness, the cost of my self respect, and the respect of others, the cost in which nothing seems to manifest itself the way i want it. I've talked my self into being happy. i am not happy.

My family. My Boyfriend. Two things i can count on, which add to my happiness.

But I cant rely on others. I have to be happy within . what can I get. What do I want?